More than just a constellation.

October is by far my favorite month of the year and not just because they say they the constellation Aquarius is visible, but it reminds me of the Apple festival back home.  Yes,  It’s among other things National Apple Month.  I remember the Apple Barn and the candies on the cheap.  It’s really a fun time.  National Arts and Humanities Month  —  support your local authors and artists.  Heck, support support your local bookstores and coffee shops while you are at it not only will they be glad for you’re patronage, but your bound to learn something new and be entertained at the same time.

The Indigo Girls sing in Closer to Fine: “The best thing you’ve ever done for me Is to help me take my life less seriously, it’s only life after all…”    It’s been more than “Okay to be Gay” since the first pride parade after Stonewall held on November 2, 1969.  Be Out.  Be Proud.  Be an Allie!  Oh, and learn your history from some of those who have paved the way for us during:     

Take care of Yourselves! and Keep Working it out till next time!

~ Jo

Not Someone Else

The life I see me leading in the next five to ten years… I hate this question a  never have a very good answer.  I’ve always been asked where I’m heading and can only see JD the high school guidance counselor or that guy from the twisted sister videos saying “What do you want to do with the REST of your life?!!” — starring straight at me.  All I want is just to be myself and not someone’s

  • client
  • disabled puppet “look what she can do!”
  • amazing b/c of the durable medical equipment “she’s overcome so much…”
  • the dolt in the corner b/c of the aforementioned durable medical equipment “she’s not angry, she’s having an outburst.”
My greatest fears keep me from moving forward.  When I was a teen in Chicago, I was alone in the elevator going to see the orthopedist and on comes this beautiful woman with wheels and a suit.  She asked who I was there to see and dished with  me a bit and then she asked me if I was there for the conference meeting.
I’d rather be at the meeting then the client in the meeting.

Today I wear/blog Purple.

Wear it Purple Day: (click + Share!) :  Wear Purple on September 2, 2011 to support rainbow youth at risk of self harm and suicide!   Rainbow youth have the right to be proud of who they are!

Education is so important in knowing that it DOES get BETTER!

Other Causes also finding empowerment through the color Purple:

  •                                                                             Epilepsy Awareness
  • Code Purple: A Sanctuary (Typically, a Code Purple night will be called when the forecasted wind chill factor falls below 20 degrees Fahrenheit.)       
  • Sisters Empowerment Network to end Domestic Violence                           Event Coming September 20th, 2011                                                                  
  • “You See A Girl We See the Future.”                                                                     
  • Project Purple – “is an emerging global women’s fund that will support organizations that tackle the challenge of advancing the status and economic empowerment of women and girls.”                                                
  • Beginning OverFoundation                                                                                           for Women leaving or who want to leave abusive situations.                    
  • Sigma Lambda Gamma:                                                                                                     “In fall of 1989, the foundation of Sigma Lambda Gamma National Sorority Inc. decided it was important to form an organization that provided empowerment to Latina women as well as women of all cultural backgrounds.”

And of course my personal favorite: clipped from:                                                                                              

With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Taken from the book
When I Am An Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple
X-posted on:

Liars… and the Truth you discover

People don’t really talk about it the ones who are depressed about how life gripping it is.  It gets its talons into you slowly making you think you aren’t as: good, smart, nice, tough, pretty as before and that it’s impossible to get it back.

At first, you won’t believe it.  Then, you’ll make a mistake and depression whispers to you “i told you so.”  You’ll keep running away from it filling your day until every hour is accounted for and depression is way too tired to tell you not to…

Not to eat that, talk that way, act that way, be yourself, express your opinion and have a voice in the world.

Somehow you find yourself in a situation where not every hour is accounted for and thats when depression can fit right over you like the best blanket of all your fears and it’s so comfy you’ll never want to let it go because for so long that familiarity has been all you’ve known.

You’ll find glimpses of yourself and want it all back.  You’ll learn to fight through laughter through even harder tears.  You’ll fight and fight hard everyday.  You’ll know you are winning on days when they say you seem much more like yourself than before.  It’s on these days you’ll know the real truth, depression is a liar.

Starting over on Monday…

So, what do you do when you decide to make a major change in your life?  I quit my soul-sucking job last week.  It will be a bit tough for awhile, but I have to remind myself it’s for the best right now and isn’t permanent.  I quit for a lot of reasons, but in the end I flat hated my soul sucking experience and even though they’ve called all weekend long to make sure that I am 100% positive on this decision — I already know that I am.  I never called them back.  I guess I just don’t have anything to say after all that time spent there.

What will I do this Monday?  Well, I applied for SSDI so I can move to an independent living center closer to great friends and doctors that aren’t quacks.   Assuming it’s not raining cats and dogs Mondays I’ll be walking.  Well, even if it does I’ll try to do more walking… reading… thinking… being.   Taking care of myself for awhile.  My nephew, Levi, was great about it.  He was like, if you go back on Monday will you be any happier there?  The short answer is “no.”

So, here is to a whole new Monday.


2:22 a.m.

It never fails anymore, I take a nap before I sleep and set an alarm to wake me to take my night medications… I’m epileptic and like a bolt I am woken from a dreamless sleep pale and still exhausted to another 2:22 a.m.   I wish I wasn’t so exhausted all of the time!  Seriously, it’s getting old to have to sleep before you can sleep.  Saturdays are lovely because I can sleep right through them.

I promised a friend to be honest with the G.I. Doctor about possible clotting disorder.  Maybe there are a better pair of genes out there I can trade for?  In the meantime, I’m  stuck living with the one that I have and remembering how Gwendolyn Brooks once signed my book Blacks right on the poem “to the infirm.”

Everbody here
is infirm.
Everybody here is infirm.
Oh. Mend me. Mend me. Lord.

Today I
say to them
say to them
say to them, Lord:
look! I am beautiful, beautiful with
my wing that is wounded
my eye that is bonded
or my ear not funded
or my walk all a-wobble.
I’m enough to be beautiful.

You are
beautiful too. (Gwendolyn Brooks)

… I never did find the song she mentioned Hold On by Mahalia Jackson.



Away i go…

Let me just say it is a million times easier to journal than to blog — mainly because I kept so much of it (and myself) locked tight.  I’m trying to make some changes for the positive.  I always hate when people say that they are changing for the positive or for the better — like their best wasn’t good enough.  Well, what if it’s not?  My present path landed me in the hospital in another state and I was content not to tell anyone I was sick until the pain was unbearable.
I always want to be strong.  The kind of person someone can look up to.  I struggle with depression daily.  So, I fight with thoughts of being lower than gum on the bottom of one’s shoe all of the time.  It’s a work in progress.  I’m making myself eat healthy and stay hydrated.  I’m cutting my work load in the coming weeks by half and next weekend it’s back on the crutches on  the walker.
Oh, and the journal title?  Yes, I know that in English or in Spanish that “I’m not a Unicorn.”  I would hope that I remember that there isn’t a magical threshold for declaring me a Unicorn (or anything else negative fill in the blank) &  I may refer to being or not being a Unicorn to prove to myself I really was listening to what my friends had to say when I really needed most to hear I mattered… Unicorn or not, but thankfully I’m not one.