Not Someone Else

The life I see me leading in the next five to ten years… I hate this question a  never have a very good answer.  I’ve always been asked where I’m heading and can only see JD the high school guidance counselor or that guy from the twisted sister videos saying “What do you want to do with the REST of your life?!!” — starring straight at me.  All I want is just to be myself and not someone’s

  • client
  • disabled puppet “look what she can do!”
  • amazing b/c of the durable medical equipment “she’s overcome so much…”
  • the dolt in the corner b/c of the aforementioned durable medical equipment “she’s not angry, she’s having an outburst.”
My greatest fears keep me from moving forward.  When I was a teen in Chicago, I was alone in the elevator going to see the orthopedist and on comes this beautiful woman with wheels and a suit.  She asked who I was there to see and dished with  me a bit and then she asked me if I was there for the conference meeting.
I’d rather be at the meeting then the client in the meeting.

2:22 a.m.

It never fails anymore, I take a nap before I sleep and set an alarm to wake me to take my night medications… I’m epileptic and like a bolt I am woken from a dreamless sleep pale and still exhausted to another 2:22 a.m.   I wish I wasn’t so exhausted all of the time!  Seriously, it’s getting old to have to sleep before you can sleep.  Saturdays are lovely because I can sleep right through them.

I promised a friend to be honest with the G.I. Doctor about possible clotting disorder.  Maybe there are a better pair of genes out there I can trade for?  In the meantime, I’m  stuck living with the one that I have and remembering how Gwendolyn Brooks once signed my book Blacks right on the poem “to the infirm.”

Everbody here
is infirm.
Everybody here is infirm.
Oh. Mend me. Mend me. Lord.

Today I
say to them
say to them
say to them, Lord:
look! I am beautiful, beautiful with
my wing that is wounded
my eye that is bonded
or my ear not funded
or my walk all a-wobble.
I’m enough to be beautiful.

You are
beautiful too. (Gwendolyn Brooks)

… I never did find the song she mentioned Hold On by Mahalia Jackson.